I Can't Stop
by SassyLilPanda
Summary: Set after Season 3 No Rest for the Wicked and before Season 4. Sam's PoV on his desperation to save Dean.


_Alright, so this story takes place after Season 3, after Dean has gone to Hell. It's all written in Sam's PoV, and does contain a little bit of graphicness but not a whole lot. This is basically how Ruby has convinced and manipulated Sam into getting stronger to kill Lilith and save Dean and how he slowly succumbs. This also explains how desperation overtook Sam, as well as going into his feelings and emotions. You can view this story as a Sam/Ruby if you want, but I'm not a shipper of this couple, so it wasn't intended on being written that way. Anyway, hope you enjoy!_

-SPN SPN SPN-

I remember when she cast that white, burning light at me. Fired it right into my face. It felt for a moment as if I was being shot by a giant fireball, but as the light begin to dim, there wasn't a burn, cut, scratch, anything on me. My eyes turned upward to gaze at her in surprise. I think she looked more shocked than I did. For that split second as I lunged for the knife, felt my hand squeeze around the cold steel of the hilt, I saw the fear graze her face and linger in her eyes.

"Back!" she had gasped out, but my determination was lethal. My fingers clenched the knife more tightly as I rose to my feet. "I said back!" The fear was more pronounced in her voice this time. She took a few steps back from me, and I could feel my jaw working against the rage threatening to pour out of me. It had been consuming me from the moment I saw the invisible force drag my brother off the table Lilith had him stuck to.

She had used her powers to pin me to the wall, and I couldn't move. I was forced to watch my older brother be mauled to death by an invisible hellhound, forced to watch as his chest was shredded to ribbons, his stomach ripped open. Forced to watch his blood spurting like a water fountain only to hit the floor beneath him and pool around his body. I had to hear his agonizing screams mixed with my own screams of begging and pleading for her to stop it. She just laughed maniacally, coldly. I couldn't handle it. I threw my head back against the wall and squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could, but I found them flying right back open. I didn't want to see it and yet if I took my eyes off of Dean, I was afraid that he'd disappear and I might never see him again. So, I watched my brother be a hellhound's, that I couldn't even see, chew toy.

After it was all over and I was advancing on Lilith, who was ordering me to stay back, I raised the knife, my own voice growling "I don't think so" at her before her meatsuit screamed and the black smoke tore it's way out of the body. I remember for that split second I felt like I had some sort of power, some control and that I could ice the bitch right then and there, but it was over too fast. I'd lost my chance and I'd lost my brother.

Bobby had found me, clutching Dean's shredded and bleeding body in my arms. He came and tugged on my shoulders breaking out of my reverie. I vaguely remember him telling me that we needed to go. We needed to get out of there. He told me he'd stay behind and clean up the mess, but that I needed to get myself and Dean out of here so it wouldn't terrify the poor family anymore than what they already were. that was still huddled up down in their basement, probably petrified out of their minds, confused and not sure what could've been happening all the while up in their home.

All these memories, they constantly plague me. Every night I'd fall asleep on the tattered couch in the broken down shack I'd holed up in and have nightmare after nightmare. I didn't bother contacting Bobby. I told him I wanted to go and be on my own, but soon I wasn't alone anymore. She had come back. First, possessing the body of some secretary after which I scorned her for it. She found herself a coma patient, tiny and brunette, and came knocking one night. As much as I get disgusted with myself for consorting with a demon, I couldn't help it. For some reason, I just didn't care anymore.

My mind was broken, twisted and I ached for comfort, warmth. It wasn't just her, it was just the fact that there was somebody there with me, and I gave into it. Everything had been too quiet, too cold and so very lonely, but I'd never openly admit that. Especially not to her. I gave into my vulnerability. I didn't care if I was allowing myself to be manipulated or not. Nothing mattered anymore. It was meaningless anyway, just somewhere for me to channel out my grief and rage. I don't know why I didn't just go to some bar and find a random, hot girl to do the same thing to. Maybe it was because it's what Dean would've done, and I just couldn't bring myself to do that.

Ruby told me that I had the ability to take out Lilith, that I just needed to give in to the bomb inside of me and use it to my advantage. She said that if I killed Lilith then Dean's contract would be void and he could be saved from the horrors of Hell. I didn't care if this was a demon telling me this or not. I would do whatever it took. I was desperate, and so I caved. Yet again, I gave in to my vulnerability, and I let Ruby teach me how to use my abilities properly. But the first time she told me about _it, _I was repulsed and disgusted. I ended up yelling at her, telling her to get the hell out of my face and leave. I told her to stay away from me. Sure, maybe I'd given myself to a demon, but I'd never ever go that route. It was stomach-turning by just the mere thought of it. No matter how much she told me that it would make me stronger, I just couldn't imagine myself going down that road. I'd already broken a promise to Dean by practicing my abilities, but to do something as revolting as _that_? No, thank you. I'd find another way.

I'd tried everything in my power to bring Dean back, but nothing worked. I had began drowning myself in booze, hoping that if I got drunk enough it would numb some of the agony and emptiness that constantly lingered inside of me, but it never worked. It only seemed to intensify it. I had tried making a deal to bring Dean back. I even offered up myself in exchange for him. No demon wanted to deal with me. Just like that crossroads bastard said, they had Dean Winchester right where they wanted him. So I did the next thing I could think of. I jumped in the car, forcing myself to not look at the empty seat next to me, and drove to Wyoming. I dove for the Devil's Gate the moment I pulled up in that cemetery. I did everything I could to try and open that door, but nothing would open the gate. I didn't have the Colt to try and stick into the lock because of that bitch Bela. I used tools to try and pry the gate doors open, I chanted rituals, I shot at it with my shotgun, I even tried to rip it open with my own two hands until they were torn and bloody, but I couldn't get it open. Nothing was working.

That's when she came back to me, again. Even after I'd flew off the handle with her after she offered me something to make me stronger, she still came back. It reminded me of something Dean would've done, and it only made my heart ache worse than I thought possible. She found me, leaning up against the doors to Hell, clawing at them, grasping, begging, pleading to just open the doors long enough so my brother could get out, or at least let me in so I could go and find my brother. If I couldn't have him here with me on Earth, then I'd go and be by his side in Hell. At least I'd spend eternity with him, brimstone and fire or not.

I felt her warm hands on my face, brushing away my tears with little effort because they were just replaced with more. It was humiliating, but she didn't seem to mind. She took my wrists in her hands, not touching my torn and bleeding hands, and pulled my trembling form up, but my legs had felt like jello underneath me. I could barely stand up on my own. I wasn't drunk, just damaged, broken, shattering into little fragments of a mixture between affliction and numbing despair and grief. Being a demon, I guess Ruby could support my considerable size without much effort. She had tossed one of my arms over her delicate shoulders and pulled me back to the Impala. She opened up the passenger door and seated me. As she bent down to lift my legs and place them in front of the dash, I grasped her shoulders. She looked up at me, her brow furrowed with question.

"I can't save Dean, can I?" I rasped out, her face blurring and my eyes burned with fresh tears.

Ruby had shook her dark head at me, closing her eyes. She almost looked sympathetic toward me. "Not like this, Sam," she had stated softly. I think I let out a sob because that's when Ruby gathered me in her arms, letting my face press into her shoulder, my head against her neck. I don't really remember much after that, but I know I was surprised. It's the same thing that Dean would've done for me. I listened as Ruby quietly shooshed me. I relished the feeling of her small fingers threading through my hair, and I breathed in her sweet scent. I tried to imagine it was Dean. I tried to imagine the fingers longer, thicker and rougher. I tried to imagine the faint smell of leather and gunpowder. I really really missed my brother, but Ruby was providing a source of some sort of comfort that made it a bit easier, so in my vulnerability I crashed into it.

After I had calmed, Ruby then stood up. "Where's the first aid kit?"

"What?" I asked, squinting my eyes up at her. "What do you need a first aid kit for?"

Ruby rolled her eyes at me and then folded her small arms across her chest. I watched her dark eyes glance downward toward my hands. My eyes followed as they took in the sight of the shape of my hands. "Oh...," was all I could say.

Ruby sighed and shook her head at me as she fished her hand into my jacket pocket for the car keys, snatched them out and popped open the trunk. I heard her digging around back there, but I made no move to stop her. I could hear weapons clanging together, being moved around, the unzipping of duffles and then the slamming of the trunk. She emerged clutching the first aid kit in her hands and ordered me to get in the car all the way. I lifted my too heavy legs and placed them in front of the dash, feeling the familiarity of my place in the passenger seat of Dean's baby. I closed my eyes against the burning pain filling my chest and willed myself not to look at the empty driver's seat. I didn't even look when Ruby opened up the driver's side door and plopped down into the car. She sat the first aid kit on the bench seat in between me and her and set to work on cleaning and wrapping my shredded hands. The same thing Dean would've done for me. Maybe this wasn't healing me or making me better, but still. At least I wasn't alone.

Ruby drove us out of town. On the way back, she talked to me and told me the importance of what I needed to do in order to save Dean. I don't know how long we drove. It could've been hours, maybe days but I allowed her words to sink into me. I went over and over again in my mind if there were any other ways to save Dean, but I had nothing. At this point, I was desperate. I think that was probably when I really gave in. That night, she pulled the car over, slowly maneuvering it so we were hidden by a slew of trees.

"All you have to do is just try it one time, Sammy," she told me softly. That nickname...usually I would've ripped whoever called me that a new asshole, but for some reason I couldn't with her. Maybe I was just trying to use her in the place of Dean's absent-ness. I don't know what I was doing, really. Nothing could ever replace Dean, that was for sure. Nothing could even compare to my big brother, so nothing or nobody would ever take his place. Ruby was just there to fill up his...I couldn't say it. I watched her as she lifted up her pant leg and pulled a knife from the strap wound just above her boot. She was clutching the steel blade in her tiny hand.

"If you don't like it, I won't force you to keep going, but this is the only way you're going to get any stronger. You have enough trouble as it is trying to exorcise demons without it. It hurts your head, your nose bleeds, and you feel sick. There's no way you're going to be able to take out Lilith when you can barely take out a lower class demon. This is what you need to help you get strong enough to save your brother," she coaxed me gently.

"Just do it," I told her gruffly, shocked by the sound of my own voice. There was even wear and tear present in it. I really sounded just as broken and eradicated as I felt. I watched Ruby as she gently slid the blade over her own tender flesh, my eyes fixed as the red liquid oozed to the surface. I took a deep, hesitant breath and leaned over before placing my lips against her arm, allowing just what rose to the surface to enter my mouth. The tangy, metallic taste coated my tongue and slid down my throat. At first, I was utterly disgusted with myself, feeling as if I were nothing but a vampire, until it hit me. This jolt of power shot through my body like electricity, giving me a feeling of renewed energy and vigor. I sat up in the seat feeling Ruby's gaze burning a hole through me. I was ready to try it out.

"Let's go," I said, and the sound of my voice had significantly changed, just by that little bit of blood I had taken in.

She took me to where a demon was possessing the mother of two young children. They were a little boy and a little girl. The little boy was the older one, maybe around the age of 10 while his sister was maybe 5 or 6 years old. The little boy had a long cut down the side of his face, probably put there by the demon and I could feel the rage in me start to boil. The little girl had bruises all up and down her arm. Ruby had tackled the demon while it taunted her, and I urged the children up the stairs to safety. I could feel the energy surging and crackling through my body, desperate for release. It wanted me to use it to the best of my ability. I re-entered the room where Ruby was fighting the demon and focused all my strength and energy on the possessed mother.

"Ruby, get back," I ordered as I reached out my hand and channeled all of my power into this one demon. She stepped out of the way with her arms folded, watching me. I ignored the meager provocation and jeering from the bastard. The fortitude and persistence that filled me came forward, along with the sparking energy, and I could sense the demon in this woman. The blood was like a battery, kicking me into full gear. Using my mind I focused with all of my strength, using my hand to feel the evil and I mentally grasped it. I could hear the woman choking in the background, but I didn't care. I was ridding her body of the evil that had unwillingly entered it.

I was overwhelmed by the sensation as I could feel my hand and my mind grasp it. I opened my eyes without breaking concentration and watched the demon smoke pour out of her mouth. I clenched my fist around the invisible force as I continued to pull the evil from inside of her. I could feel myself expelling the demon, and I focused on forcing the monster back down into the depths of where it came from. I watched the smoke curdle on the floor in a circle around the woman's feet. It burnt and crackled like burning charcoal with a blood curdling scream as it disentigrated into the floor and was no more. I'd sent my first demon back to Hell. I reached my fingers up to feel my nose. There was no blood. The headache was there though, but I didn't feel sick this time. It made me wonder if this was something I'd have to get used to. I was panting a bit from the effort.

Brushing that aside I hurried over as the woman collapsed onto the floor beneath her, and I placed two fingers against the side of her neck. There was a pulse. I actually saved this woman. The pulse was a bit fast, but it was going strong. She'd most likely need a visit to the hospital though, just to check her over and make sure nothing happened. Ruby had already pulled out her phone and was calling 911. I suddenly had this good feeling overtake me, and that's when I realized...I wanted more.

Ruby and I made our way back to where I had been staying. She told me that it wasn't difficult for her to track demons and that we could just keep practicing until I was strong enough. I didn't hesitate this time. I told her indignantly that I wanted it. I didn't mean sex. That meant nothing to me. It was just there for the taking. I meant the blood, but it didn't stop me. She slowly climbed on top of me, telling me I could have it. She gently brushed her lips against mine, and I grasped her knife in my hand before flipping her over and throwing her violently down on the bed. She didn't complain or even react as I climbed on top and took the blade to her arm. This time, I took in more, and each time I could feel my appetite for the power getting bigger, and I couldn't stop. It felt so good, getting to save people's lives instead of giving them a Columbian Necktie and killing the poor victims that the demons had been possessing. No, these people were surviving. I had been saving more people from demon possession than I ever had in my entire life of exorcising.

Though at the same time, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Drinking demon blood wasn't right at all. But what the hell right? I was already tainted by demon blood when I was just 6 months old, so what makes the difference. I was destined to become a monster anyway. Maybe this was it. _No, no...I'm not a monster. I won't become a monster..._ My thoughts constantly swirled in my head. _Dean would hate me if I he knew what I was doing. I wished to God I could stop_. Afterward, I seated myself on the tattered, old couch, clutching the knife in my hand and watched Ruby's blood drip off the tip of it. My breath hitched and my eyes prickled with unshed tears. What was I doing to myself?

I felt Ruby approach me and climb on top of me, straddling my lap, but I didn't look at her. I just held my hand, fisted with the knife, up to my mouth. I couldn't even speak. This was so very very wrong, but I kept reminding myself that I was getting strong enough to take out Lilith so I could save my brother from Hell. That's the _only _reason I was doing this, right? What had happened to me? I had changed so much... When I managed to get Dean back, he was going to be so angry and disappointed in me, probably even disgusted with me. If he found out I'd been having sex with a demon as well as drinking her blood, he'd want nothing more to do with me. He'd disown me as his brother.

I felt Ruby's soft, warm hand up against the side of my face and I leaned into it, feeling the traitorous tears slip down my face. I listened to her voice in my ear whispering words of reassurance, telling me that everything would be okay. The sound of her voice crushed my doubt and I believed her. But still...I wished to God that I could stop, but I can't. I just can't stop.

-SPN SPN SPN-

Thanks so much for reading you guys! I really appreciate it and reviews are always welcome and appreciated greatly!


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